Strictly Sunday 

  
Gratuitous Strictly post 5

So it’s bye-bye to Ainsley and an end to all those food dance-puns. After a crazed jive to a backdrop of floating toast, even he must have been thinking this takes the biscuit. 

Jamelia lived to dance another day after an underwhelming waltz. Let’s hope she gets to do the Charleston again next week. 

Elsewhere, Georgia’s disco-salsa was missing the chilis for us, a bit bland and heavy. Nevertheless she snaffled a 31. Weather woman Carol’s Viennese waltz was perfectly nice and elegant but she got mean comments again. Some of the judges want to turn her into another comedy figure along with Jeremy but she’s not playing along. She’s snow joke.

Anita did a dramatic tango to an undramatic song (Sweet Disposition by Temper Trap) and bagged a 32, while Peter’s Rumba hips weren’t nearly as silky as his fetching turquoise shirt. He got 29 and we’re wondering: did he peak in week 1?

A mini fist pump for Kirsty. You can see how badly she wants to be good. There’s a scary intensity in her eyes. And the moment she relaxed a little she became elegant and floaty. Len said lots of things about fleckles and pivots so it must’ve been good and she ended up with 29. 

Katie didn’t get her bum going in the salsa, apparently, and toppled from last week’s top spot to one from the bottom this week, with 21. Jeremy’s waltz wasn’t his best. Ballroom doesn’t have the same comedy potensh as Latin after all. He got a lowly 18 and was lucky to escape the dreaded D.O.

Helen (that sweet grin is becoming a little manic now) did an almost flawless quickstep to You Can’t Hurry Love with flashing train imagery. There were lots of train puns from the judges, which is funny considering there is no journey here at all. She got 35. Kellie got the same for a fizzy jive. 

Jay’s 33-scoring Paso Doble got Bruno so over excited he dropped the B-bomb (bollocks) (as in ‘the dog’s’) and got told off. It was a rare moment of excitement in a slightly uninspiring week. Oh well, we’ll keep on dancing. See you next week! 

Strictly Sunday

    

At the top of the leaderboard an elegant flamingo (Katie). At the bottom, an “electrocuted stork.”

And yet the stork in question (Jeremy) lived to jive another day – in his own “peculiar” fashion. As did Katie whose Viennese Waltz was as light as a feather. Partner Anton, who’s had his toes fractured by Judy Murray and Jerry Hall in recent years, mustn’t know what to do with himself.

It was Daniel O’Donnell (where were his legion of loyal followers last night, huh?) who faced the dance off – along with a mohawked Kirsty. Who, despite looking like she should be amazing, isn’t really very amazing. Yet. To borrow a phrase, there’s a good dancer lurking in there somewhere. Will it emerge, this lurking dancer of hers, that is the question? And if so, what will it look like?

Anyway, Daniel went. He was a gent. Partner Kristina blubbed. No one feels this show as much as Kristina. She even feels it when she’s dancing with someone she doesn’t want to feel. Love her. 

  
Elsewhere, and the weight of expectation on Jay – after last week’s finale-style fireworks – was just too much to bear for the nervy one. There were mistakes in his Quickstep. Horror. The poor blighter only got 25 points. It was just a stumble, assured the judges. And we think they’re right. The pressure’s off again. Next week, the Travolta toes will be back.

What else. Helen needed to “earth her grind”, according to Craig (answers on a postcard…), but other than that predictably got 32 for her salsa. And Anita did well with hers while looking like she was trying a little too hard, again. 

  
Jamelia “found” her dance. It was the Charleston. Doesn’t everyone do well with the Charleston? Kirsty needs to do the Charleston. We’re happy for Jamelia, anyway. Like us, she’s a Brummie, her mouth gets her into trouble and she’s a bit more rubbish at dancing than she should be. This was hopefully the turning point.

Kellie did a lovely (read: boring) foxtrot inspired by her nan. The sentiment was sweet but it wasn’t a patch on last week’s Star Wars jig. Technically, however, that last statement isn’t true as she got exactly the same amount of points as she did last week. Her finger placement also got Craig excited.

  
Ainsley did a waltz quite proficiently. Georgia looked sweet hopping around the floor with her Quick Step. She’ll be in the final, that one.
Probably alongside Pete, who did a tango to Blue Monday. After last week’s bad panto performance, he was “back”. However he has a tendency to over-dance, according to Len. We agree. Easy there, Pete. 

 
The last word goes to lovely Carol, who is quite the heartthrob amongst men of a certain age. I know this because my uncle, who is of a certain age, signed up to Twitter just so he could contact her. (She didn’t reply). Apparently he and his friends discuss her merits over pints of ale down the local. This weekend she got all mean and moody in the Paso Doble and danced well. And she looked rather fetching. Her merits are probably being discussed right now.

  
See you next week. And until then, keeeep…

Strictly Sunday

  

Duh-duh-duh… The first results show. And there was Jamelia in the bottom two. What a turn up for the blooming books. And yet… Her limbs were wayward, her footwork too loose and her posture all nervy. Meanwhile, Iwan’s powerful pelvic thrusts were more “murderous” than Mmm-mm, according to the sometime viciously-bitchy Bruno. It was the former Olympics-y man who eventually sashayed, – or rather, thudded – into the sunset, however. And neither the judges nor his bruised-footed partner Ola look too upset about it. 

As for the Saturday night show, well there were a helluva lot of fours going on. And everybody seemed a bit rubbish for ages, if we’re honest. We’ve already mentioned Jamelia. Brendan hoisted a rather stiff-looking Kirsty around like she was a sideboard that needed shifting into the next room. Anthony was less go-go-go and more no-no-no. Georgianni lost their fizz. And even Jay – who made the judges froth – is still wearing the look of a man who doesn’t have enough credit on his Oyster card. 

  
  
Thank goodness for an upturn in skillz in the second half of the show. Kellie and Kevin are looking likes ones to watch, as are dark horses and unexpected “It” couple Katie and Anton. Everyone loves an underdog. And a dark horse. Anita was slick. Peter once again ruled the roost, like a magenta-clad cockerel. And Helen did a scary sex look during her Cha Cha while shaking her tassel-clad hips. Other mentions go to grandfolk’s faves – Daniel, Carol and Jeremy. All rubbish but charming enough to be a bit lovable. 

Until next week!

STRICTLY SUNDAY

STRICTLY GROUP

And welcome to another gratuitous Strictly post.

The countdown to Christmas is now on. Don’t shy away from that fact. If you’re based in the UK or Ireland, embrace ‘Strictly Season’ – formerly known as autumn and winter – and all the sequins and spray tans that come with.

This double bill had it all: stilted limbs, shimmery tassels, caught-on-camera bitching judges and real-life glowering looks from Danny Dyer. Craig Revel Horwood, don’t innuendo-cize him, please!

And what with this being the first proper week and the judges not wanting to be too forthcoming with their marks, there were also a heck of a lot of 7s on the go. 

So in the spirit of Len Goodman, we’re going to sum up each Strictly couple in precisely ‘Sev-ern’ words!

Kellie and Kevin: Fab. Gotta (upper) hand it to her.

Anthony and Oti: Forever be remembered as Trouser Split-Gate.

The moment the trousers went?
The moment the trousers went?
Helen and Aljaz: So sweet, like dancing marzipan cake toppers.

Carol and Pacha: Storm ahead. Two ways of reading that.

Dancing marzipan cake toppers
Dancing marzipan cake toppers
Kristina and Daniel: Sex-free but Irish eyes still smiling.

Anita and Gleb: Saucy. Remember though, Gleb is happily married.

Jay and Aliona: Nerves never did stop good body roll.

Kirsty and Brendan: Power couple sadly looked a tad shaky.

Was Jeremy on stilts?
Was Jeremy on stilts?
Jeremy and Karen: Impressive dad dancing on stilts. Stilts, right?

Georgia and Giovanni: G-whizz. This cute pair got fizz.

Ainsley and Natalie: Cooking puns are served. Next week: salsa.

Katie and Anton: Prom-ises to be good ‘un for Anton.

Iwan and Ola: More lumpy-pumpy than sex on legs.

Jamelia and Tristan: Mind the gap. Between your feet, Jamz.

Strutting it in cerise
Strutting it in cerise
Peter and Janette. Majestic in cerise. Snake hips next week!

Needless to say, Peter Andre ended up on top of the leaderboard with poor Carol from BBC brekkie propping everyone else up, at the bottom. And there we have it. Until next week, Keeeeeeep dancing. (Soz)
Are you a Strictly fan? Who are your faves? Indulge us, go on, and let us know in the comments.